Monkey Bone

After a long time of no intimacy with me, I allowed Katey to I guess for better lack of words, enjoy some free time with me. But I am officially the world's biggest asshole. I do not know if it was because of prior conversations with Tina and that playful flirting that has always been there, or something more sinister hidden within the depths of my mind that I am not aware of, but nonetheless, as I am messing around with Katey my mind kept jumping to her. To wonderment of the differences, the desires, that I would much rather have type deal. I am officially the world's biggest prick. I should have stopped things, but instead I stayed in fantasy.

What does this all mean I wonder? I do not understand why my mind went to this at all. More importantly, I do not fantasize about people. Never really have in my life ever really been the type to do that... So why now? Why this? Bullocks...

Time to go find something to occupy me for the next hour or so. I am getting off work soon hopefully... Let's pray for that one...

Waking up from madness and in the middle of madness is probably the most amazing thing a person can experience. I cannot seem to control my own emotions and mind these days. Rather maddening at times. So I guess an update of my head is in order, maybe take this land of confusion and make it make sense.

School starts next week. I am determined to get the next six years of my life complete and on time. This may mean I do not move due to tuition being extremely expensive. I want the cushy job. But there is a goal to this job. I have always dreamed of owning my own business someday and writing to my hearts content while I watch my bank account slowly build upward. I have wanted a very interesting array of businesses. I think that this can be accomplished over time. I want this degree to financially put me into a position that I can have the funding to do these little side projects. I want this for myself. I do not want to be my father and busting myself to the ground. And for what? Nothing.

I say all of this because I have come to the realization that I hate only making 8 bucks an hour. Granted it is the easiest damn job in the world, but still. It becomes one of those that's it? moments. I look at my measly checks, pay my bills, and grind myself to the bone every day for nothing more than a meager bit. I am putting my foot down to the floor on this. I am finishing these degrees. I do not care what it takes out of me to finish them. What with all of the internship hours, the licensing process, the job hunting process, let alone going to three count them three different colleges and universities. No matter what I choose to do with moving and such I must get this down. I will get this done like the best of them damn it. I am better than this life. I am better than all of this.

I say I am better than this for a simple reason. I have tons of poetry scattered everywhere. I have two novels partially written in varying degrees of completion. Why don't I ever take the time to work on it anymore? Because, I allow the stressors of my life to completely overtake me. I allow my petty existence to be smeared further with not striving for success. I know people typically do this at the first of the year, but I will do this now. I will set aside some time every week to work on my prose. It may take me a bit longer to finish my novel, but it will be worth it in the long run for certain.

So this leads me onto a few other things that are current events. Started realizing the other day that my bored eating at my so awesome key job, that I am gaining weight. This has me mad as hell. I realized that I need to start working out. Now some of my friends would be thinking dear god what did you do go from a 30 to a 32? Okay, no it is a 32 to a 34 and I am upset about it. I really don't care if people make fun of me for being tiny tim or not. I have always had issues with my weight. Let's face it. I am not getting younger, therefore the weight will have a harder time coming off of me. So, I worry over these small details. So next week I will be hitting the gym after moving and such, which means a few purchases need to be made, like a bigger memory card lol.

So that leads me to the annoying little thing of my life. I spent so much time looking for a place for me Tiff and Cesar I boxed my own self into a corner and am forced to move in with Katey. With school and work occupying most of my time, this shouldn't be that big of an issue I don't think. I sure as hell hope anyways. So I am boxed into this corner and gonna take it and run with it temporarily. The lease ends in August, so if I can just hold out till then I should be alright lol. I hope my sanity sticks with me. Please dear god I hope it does.

So last night I was watching this show about body modifications on Netflix. IT WAS NUTS. Like instead of a chick getting a hood ring, she got her hood cut in half. This dude got his cock like gauged in one failed swoop. This other dude had the head of his cut in half. WHO THE FUCK WAKES UP AND GOES HEY IM GONNA CUT MY DICK IN HALF???? Or better yet people who suspend themselves. Hey yeah, I know, I am gonna hang myself from fucking fish hooks, yeah what a fucking rush! Psychos....

But do people think this about those of us with tats? That is the more important question. Speaking of I will be getting ink hopefully end of July. So stoked about that one yay.

So yeah, everything is slowly falling into place. I will be moving this coming week, I will be starting classes this coming week, and to top it all off working my butt off. Woo hoo!

I am slowly collapsing my emotions down for Tina, I think I am getting there slowly but surely, but every now and then it tries to slam back open on me. So then I debate about heading out there for a weekend and seeing what happens. Maybe that is all I need? Just go and attempt to fucking deal with all of these emotions once and for all. But what if I find there is nothing there and we are better like this? Is that a secret thing I do not want to find out to be honest with you? Do I like pandora's little box and not really want to ever find out what this is? What if it is just lingering lusty feelings? Do I really want closure or do I just rather torture myself with this? I just need to shove this all down and be done with it. I have too big of a heart these days. And sadly, she made a good point earlier, I am the type to hold out for someone. I would hold out for her. That bastard knows too much. Yet I cannot seem to hide for very long on her. Oh well.

Time to go work on a novel, or some poetry, something productive. Not just playing on netflix. I need to do something good with my mind. Maybe some writing is in order. Adios for now.

So I have not been able to spend time typing my endless thought processes out. I have had too much going for me.

First and foremost, my school stuff is all done. Books are bought. Everything financial aide wise is all set up and accounted for. I am all set till the 29th when classes actually start up. So I am pretty excited at this point for things with that.

Wound up with a stalker this past weekend. Note to self, strange women like me. Stop going to bars, that is where they like to be. She turned out to be plain out nuts like most of the people here. I think it is high time I moved out of this state. I think maybe once I am done with my Associate's here I will take Kira up on her offer if it is still available and head to North Carolina. Yes still a cold state, but maybe better opportunity than this suburban population here. We shall see what happens by the time the degree is done, unless I decide to leave beforehand.

What to do about Savannah. Poor girl is falling hard for me but I do not want to be with her. I just am not in the right place to start or develop new relationships with people. I am much more reserved right now and intent upon keeping to myself. I just do not know how to stop the process that has begun unknown to my knowledge. I guess just sit back and wait.

Which leads me into Tina, quite possibly the most confusing female I know at this point. And yet never have I not understood her intentions or desires. So why now the confusion. It is rather maddening. But since she had orientation and such I had an opportunity to control my emotions and get most of them tucked away so that I wasn't going to destroy my life banging my head against a wall wanting to know what she wanted between her and I. Oh well. That will figure itself out. Suffice it say those feelings are very close to the surface, but I at least captured them for now. Oh well....

Which also leads me into Katey. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that woman. I do not buy into multiple personality disorder at all. Yet from the get go she claims to have it. She claims the last two months that she has pretty much treated me like utter shit it has been because she hasn't technically been herself. Which I am sorry. I feel it is utter bull shit. So what do I do in this matter? Shut up and deal with it is the best I can come up with. Ugh I hate being emotionally capable. It is enough to drive me bonkers. Oh well, time for a movie to occupy the rest of my night...

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

that is all

The tears I cried
Washed away the dirt from my scars
Looking forward I knew it was over for you and I
I slowly moved onward and upward
Without delay
I moved on, or so I thought
Till one day mulling over my life in my mind
The embers of a fire an inferno
That once burned flashed to life
I was overcome with a desire
A want I hadn't felt in quite some time
The daydreams taking me over
An involuntary participant of some crazy circus
Leaning back against the wall
Looking at the streets I call home
I cry out in shame as I shouldn't feel this way for you still
The tears stream down my face
Steam rising around me
As my tears splash into the fires at my feet
Barely taming them as I burn alive
What do I do now
Where do I go with this
Where do I dispose of how I once felt for you
When my heart does not want to let go

My tennis shoes slap the pavement
A new start ahead of me
My life swinging into full force
An amazement crosses my shaded eyes
As I look to the west and stare at the sights before me
I realize that I must trudge forward,
Fight for my life for my future
No matter who may remain in it on the other side
So here goes nothing as I push harder against the aching muscles
And start the climb to the fights

I have not posted in here anything of substantial value in a great deal of time. A lot has passed and my opinions on matters have changed greatly. My opinions on children have changed drastically. On women, on exs, they all have changed. The last year and a half has been one hell of a wild ride. I am not sure how I have made it to the other side without suicidal depression kicking in.

Oh wait I am medicated. Yeah I am back on them and staying on them for life this time. I am tired of feeling how I do. So on them I am and what a difference it has made for me getting through some very difficult times. It has been its own blessing in disguise. I am also going back to school for my degree in psychology and such. I also have a halfway decent job where I sit on my ass and do shit like this all day lol. That is a huge bonus for me these days. A moderate steadiness that finally allowed me to sink into my mind and really debate things in it that had only been fleeting thoughts up until then. What an epidemic that has become to my soul...

Now I am lost in a perpetual world that I am not so sure I belong in anyways. I have started debating about an ex of mine. Since no one reads this anyways I have no qualms in divulging my entire mind. So, Tina and I split up and not in the best of ways. Which hey that does tend to happen right? I reacted poorly to it as I could not wrap my head around the entire thing. I lost a shit ton of sleep and then decided to give her the space she kept asking for. I had lost one of the best friends that I had. One I trusted with everything in the process. Months passed and I finally messaged her to see how she was. She and I both were in a better place now. So for awhile the conversations, though I could sense a slight strain in them, went smoothly and everything seemed perfect.

What I never explained is why I fell off the face of the earth on her so many times. For the last four years I would go hide in my "rabbit hole". It was her little term for me going into hiding, The part she didn't and does not realize is I did it because Tiffany knew she was a threat to her and never much cared for her. So I would drop her like a this bad habit. I would pick her back up when I could, when I was free long enough. I vow not to ever let someone do that to me again. Girlfriend or otherwise. I will keep my friends however I want them. Which leads me to now.

My girlfriend now is seeing her as a huge threat that I still have feelings for Tina. As to how much the world may never know, but I know they run deep which is interesting. Has it always been like this and me not even fucking realize this issue was there? I have been so blind to the fact that quite literally, I think the depth of feeling is that I am still in love with my ex girlfriend. Now what if things hadn't played out the way they did, would she and I have lasted as I felt we would have? Who the fuck knows. I am so lost in this that the only way I am going to shake it is being in person and her treating me like anyone else she IS NOT with. That would ease my senses a bit of wondering what she thinks and feels and I could then bury everything down where it belongs. Hidden and away from sight. A way to get over her...

I had a dream the other night that I decided to take a vacation there. We got drunk as hell the first night. She took me back to the hotel I had decided upon and all we did was just snuggle up cause I so did not want to be alone. The next day was awkward, with that night her and I bursting at the seams with that raw energy that I adore so much from someone. That I want you so bad it aches me not to touch you animalistic fuck me now dear god energy. Yeah you know the one. But then I woke up. It was as if my brain wouldn't allow me the pleasure of even thinking up how it might be. I guess I will content myself with that for now.

It has led to some extra pressure between me and my girlfriend with a lovely dash of bullshit and drama. So much I almost ended it simply because I have no time for drama. I would much rather be single living in a box than to deal with any extra crap than I need to deal with right now. I just need to somehow get over Tina. I think the hardest part is not even knowing what she thinks or feels. That might be the more difficult point.

Then my old buddy savannah has resurfaced coming out saying she has feelings for me still. Damn it woman, after ten years get over me already. I swear I am going to ask for a free pass fuck her and dump her, maybe that is what she needs is a taste of me and then she can leave it be. But then the other side of it is that she will fall harder still then I have an even bigger problem. So now I have that to deal with which is really starting to get on my nerves cause I have no clue how to help her get over me when she wants a relationship with me. Then again who am I to talk when I still have deep feelings for an ex I can't even see and shake their hand let alone manage to sort through the feelings.

But who am I to talk... and I'd give up forever to touch you, you are the closest to heaven... and I don't want to go home right now... sooner or later its over... I just don't wanna miss you today, and I don't want the world to see me... (Name that song)

But she has seen me. At my best my worst, my own girlfriend hasn't seen my worst. God is it possible to still want her so badly as I had her before and finally move on... Blah...

Time to go set some boundaries for my heart and soul. Get it to shut the fuck up and day dream about my girlfriend. Not a woman I can have in real life ever. Bah. Time to go find something to do on the internet before insanity kicks in. Between savannah and Tina I am going to lose my mind perhaps. I just am so not sure as to what to do anymore with things.

Anyways, time to go off into my mind. Adios to everyone who doesn't ever read this these days.

Ahhh so you are single and looking to mingle... Now stop and think for just a moment. Answer me this while you are thinking... Doesn't dating plain out frighten you?

I ask this because it frightens me. I hate dating. I absolutely abhor dating. You spend hours nervous before the date picking and preening at yourself finding every flaw. You hope that they cannot pick out your flaws as readily as you. Then what if they are slightly unhinged but you don't see this until later on in the courtship. What about all the little rules like when to call after the first date and such. When do you schedule your next day sex marriage kids when do these topics come up!!! Let alone meeting them. Being gary has a serious disadvantage. We have bars and night clubs. Highly doubt next love of my life will magically appear there. So how does one navigate this? Comments welcome.

I have found an app to post to livejournal. This sadly makes me very happy. It means no matter what when I feel the need to post I can. Can we say win? That its all.

I know as always I make sure to put my disclaimer up that this might be long. That I might type to my hearts content and before I have figured out just how much I have typed I have poured out half my life onto a computer screen. The words flow from my fingertips sometimes easier than when I try to say them. They seem to come out easier when I blank out to some music and just blah it all out of my head. Ya see, talking about my emotions can be so difficult to ascertain sometimes. Even in my own head half the time it doesn't make sense. But, when I get to typing, it is as if, by some means of magic, all the words flow outwards from my mind, to the blood and tendons and appear in black and white in such a way I cannot get them out before...

I sometimes will browse over old posts I have made, singing this that and the other for people of my past. Sometimes my political views come to light, sometimes, I don't know, but I just have this enjoyment of reading over past thoughts, dreams, desires, wants, and even, my mind, a glimpse into the insanity of it all, and it miraculously makes sense when before as it was typed, it did not. I enjoy looking back into this journal at the entries that are years old to see who I was. Many ask me, if I so randomly and infrequently come in here to type my thoughts out, why do I bother to keep it? I half the time do not have the answer, and then suddenly, a smile creeps into the corners of my mouth and I respond with a simple because I can. Because this is where my thoughts are not judged, this is where I can be myself, not fear my own mind, heart, and soul, but rather, relish in the fact I am human. That is why I blog. That is why I keep a blog. That is why I read this thing. That is why I enjoy this wholeheartedly. This is why I keep to it as much as possible. No matter how little I write in it, it is a constant reminder to myself to occasionally sit down and enjoy my own thoughts as it comes out.

Which brings me to why I cracked open Tiff's computer, since I sold mine to pay a bill in a time of need, to type my thoughts out, since my cell phone, while wonderful, cannot replace the keys being tapped, Pandora radio playing through the head phones, and enjoy everything about this experience and what it brings to my heart and mind what with the healing powers it gives me. This ramble is not to belittle others. This blog is not to make me feel powerful over others with my words or to anger. This blog is to psycho analyze myself for a bit.

So to update, I am finally back on my medicine once again. I am so happy for that one. I have my abilify finally. When I was with Amber I realized how much I needed it. When I qualified for insurance through my work, it would do me no good to rapidly get me back on the precious pill. So I spent a great deal of time searching for someone here to help me only to be told no over and over again, and then to finally find someone in Monument, 30 minutes away from me, to tell me Maybe. This was a miracle and I had not felt this happy in a very long time. So I drove up there, nervous out of my head, Cesar in tow, hoping that they would say yes. Lo and behold they did. They gave me a prescription for the medicine I needed so badly and reminded me who to call next. This was a Thursday, now to bust ass to find that person on Friday. I call, we joke a bit about the people who referred her, she typically does not make Friday appointments, but hey she was in a good mood, come on down at 3 pm. I run my errands, come in for my appointment, she copies my tax return, chats for a bit, treats Tiffy with respect, hands me a free bottle to get started and tells me a three month supply will more than likely be on its way. Seriously? 1500 in my medicine will be handed to me within thirty days? I could have kissed this crazy haired lady. More importantly was a discussion we had that has had me really reeling.

She said from what I told her that she thinks I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, and the reason for so many issues was the fact of the medicines I was put on as a child. See the mid-ninties (and this is very true) were the bipolar years. Everyone and their mom's dog is bipolar during those years. Guess who got diagnosed during that time frame? Yeah, me. So what if, I am just depressed and that is why anti-depressants work so well, and I have been battling the wrong thing within myself, and what my problem might be, I was driving worse because I treated the wrong symptoms? I need another diagnosis to be sure, but it makes sense as to why I could control the anger so well, but depression drove me down so hard and made me angry in a different way I couldn't control. It was a different anger, a self loathing and self hatred the likes as to which I have never seen. But the type of anger was me not ever being allowed to deal with sadness, instead I was taught to turn it into anger, turn it into a feeling I knew and understood, to cope.

This has destroyed my relationship with my mother and father. I have destroyed what could of been by being a dick. I was truly awful to my parents. I wish I could just say I am sorry, but it will never happen unfortunately. So here I am, questioning a mental disorder I might not even have. I should be excited, but really I am not. I have to start all over and learn how to make do with what I have learned, and take that and learn more on top of it. This woman just looked at me and stated she did not think I was diagnosed correctly. It was something I wondered about admittedly, and lord knows what if she is right?

Well, here I am, Day 4 of my medicine. I just started my wonderful womanly gig, so the mood is calming down after the PMS aftermath, and feeling relieved to begin those wonderful blue pills once more. It is a relief.

I am also taking the time to do some deep soul searching. Tiff has decided I am but someone to show her the way to The One, and that is what she believes she is to me. God does this heart ache hurt. God, this is slowly killing me. Instead of turning this into the anger and hatred I understand and know, I am slowly sitting here and learning how to cope. I am glad for this crazy week at work as it takes a bit of the edge off. It is hard living here knowing it is over, but I refuse to hurt everyone here like that. I know mom and Tiff can make do, but I know they would suffer hard core. I refuse to do that to them. If come July I want to go my seperate way and they are okay then I will cross that bridge then, but right now, I will sit here and cry myself to sleep every night if need be, if it means that she, mom, and Cesar do not have to hurt financially harder than we already are. I refuse to be that person. I flat out refuse. I know this makes me a good person to stick by everyone's side during what is my darkest times, and stick it out as much as it hurts. There are a lot of memories in my mind that are haunting me. I have chosen to sleep on the couch tonight to relax a bit, type these thoughts out, and try and relax. After that, I will probably wind up back in my own bed once more. I like my bed, I like the kittens playing with my feet. I anjoy it sadly lol.

So, I am left with a shredded heart and have decided not to do my usual. I am not going to get over this woman by getting under another. I also have decided not to be uber jerk ass while working through this. I know she is sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to snap like hell. Hopefully she will forgive me for that when it never comes like it always does. I am working my ass off to be the good guy right now, and sometimes, out of the blue that gets really hard. I get quiet when I want to be a jerk, and I can tell she gets worried. I allow myself to calm down, then go back to my usual self. So far that is working excellently. I listen to my hard rock music, go to work, work hard, clean up around the house here and there where I can, and do my best to be nice. I am truly trying, and am so proud of myself. I know she is proud of me as well, and that means a whole lot to me right now.

I know people think I am crazy for staying here, for remaining her friend, and making sure our friendship comes first, but if it were not for her I would not be on this planet, I would not be as successful as I am. She inspires me to be a better person, she believes in me, and is just as excited as I am that I am getting these student loans caught up on so that I can go fetch my Master's degree in counseling and make something with my life. She helps me when I am low and beating myself up. She encourages me to go after my dreams, instead of telling me I am reaching too far, and when I do, she helps me pick up the pieces, kissing my wounds towards healing and makes me laugh at it and myself for being so silly. First and foremost, she is my best friend. I will not kill that off just cause we broke up in our relationship. It sucks, but hey, no way but up now right?

I do love her with everything that I am, and this is ripping me apart, and certain parts of it just plain out suck. She knows how much I love her, and she loves me as well, but needs to do what she feels, I understand this, much to my own shock and awe. Everything happens for a reason, whether we understand that reason or not. I will conquer, I may never love again, not to this degree, but at least I know that I have a great family here, that my my friends I do have would lay their life on the line if it meant saving me. For that I am exceptionally grateful and glad for.

So even though this all hurts so much, each day will get easier. I will not close off my heart. I will allow myself to grieve, to hurt and be in pain. And then, one day the pain will no longer be there. A longing yes, that was there when we had split for the last year, but no more pain will be there, just acceptance, love, and longing. I will be okay. I will be just fine. No mingling though, damn it no mingling lol.

Work, well work is work. We have had two people quit within a week of each other. Which is tough on me and my manager, but with black friday approaching, I am more concerned with getting shit ready, done and presentable for my customers to quickly detroy. And then, I will fix it back to the way it should be, and it should be smooth sailing from then. So happy.

Life is pretty good though. Despite the struggles all will be just fine if you ask me....

Off to go find a tv show to shut my brain back off and catch some shut eye. I am always going to keep this silly little blog. No matter what happens it will be a constant when all else seems bleak. Just like her.

Good night.

In a few weeks my baby will be home, I will be setting up a new home with her, tiffy, and Cesar. This is going to be fun, amazing, simply perfection in my eyes. I am beyond happy. I am perfectly falling in love. I am so beyond happy right now. Amazing doesnt fit it. This is fantastic. I leave in 24 hours to head back to where i belong. I am lost so badly right now I do not know which way is up. This was more of a, by the way, i fucking love my life. I really do. I get my shane for a few tomorrow before i leave, tiffy in a matter of days with cesar and the rest of my family, and soon i get my baby in my arms forever. fucking a my life rocks...