Maybe, just maybe we can get back to what we were. Get back to, what was. Before life and responsibilities became the forefront of our minds, mostly mine. Before all that we built together, began the slow decline into darkness. I have this beauty, this woman who I cannot get enough of. Her mind a seduction to my soul. I made so many mistakes and I wonder if I have the guts to repair every piece of it before it falls into utter destruction. I wonder if I still have what it takes to get it all back. This beauty, this seductress of my heart, my kitten in play, this amazing woman who I utterly failed in the end it would seem.
I am a beast. Someone who is harsh and occasionally judgemental of others. I am racist sometimes, and sexist as well. I hate just about something in everything and fear life itself sometimes. She saved me from true destruction so many times it seems logical now to realize that fate and destiny do not have us together in its cards. I failed her as the beast. I was supposed to transform so that she could enjoy the work of after having spent nearly four years folding back my anger and hatred from the cruelty of this world. Instead, the beast destroyed the rose in the glass. That beauty that held me above her own self and sacrificed it all for me, beast.
Unfortunately this tale seems ready to end and I am unsure how to stop the approaching climax. Perhaps it isn't too late, perhaps I can save it yet I am traumatized at my misfortunes at having dealt these blows upon such a beauty.
I say I let shit just roll off but where does it roll off to? does it just lay at my feet becoming chained balls slowing my ability to climb the hill of life? Or is it truly gone in dust tripping me along my pathway. I will never fully comprehend. I am unsure of every step, of any move that I can possibly make. I wish that none of this happened. I wish that I had never let you down before. You are the only one who can tame the beast within and not let it feel the ugly that is inside. I wish I could save us both.
I don't have us in mind? I don't have the couples' better interest at heart? Seriously so over this bull shit at this point. You enjoy pissing me off for some reason. You love to cause me pain, there is no other reason you would do this on a regular basis to me. I do not understand why. You tell me to try writing, journaling. So fine, here goes nothing.
Can you not understand why I am the practical type? Here is a thought. We have a home, 2 cars, a non running motorcycle, and two dogs that we love despite being giant ass brats. Do you know my roots? Do you not think how much this rooting has impacted me and how I handle my future? I am not frivolous very often. I am very practical minded and will take care of needs before any want on the planet. Even then, I will take care of other's needs and wants first before I touch my own wants. Why do you think I own hardly any knick knacks? You want to spend a month and a half of mortgage payments, then ask me to lose, my cell phone bill, electric bill, and internet, and for what? An extra day? Yeah, I am still wanting to go, for us! But no, you won't consider me in this subject. I know damn well I suggest we skip out of our staycation I will be treated like shit for that too. So I try to find a compromise. Let's face it, family everywhere, we will get our sleep together but that is about it. We are celebrating love, yet we have to hide ours and yes that fucking bothers me. So fucking what?! I am not hating on anyone particularly, I am in fact attempting to reach out. I am trying and instead you beat me with the past.
Yeah I royally started fucking up. How long you gonna hold that over my head? Are you going to continue to belittle me over the subject or you gonna eventually drop it so we can progress with one another? I am so over this. You either want me or you want to bully me into whatever it is you want me to do. I do it too sometimes. Especially when we are backed into corners trying to make everyone fucking happy. Take your bull shit and shove it up your fucking ass. I am so over this at this point.
You are a miserable bitch to be with, yet I still do it. We go to stores, and you act like the smallest thing is the end of the world and have to leave that instant, you can't fucking relax. Yeah I sugar coated it, you do it every fucking time. I do not even want to go into a gas station with you because you get annoyed and start bitching and causing a scene so fast. Rapid deterioration is so unbecoming of a woman. Even now you won't apologize for your hateful remarks. You can't seem weak with an apology.
Go ahead, take both vacations alone. I will look forward to being left the fuck alone. Not hearing someone scream at the dogs who don't understand. Go be with family that had to double check the bible to see if they could still love you. Meanwhile my family has question marks over their heads wondering what they did to piss you off and distance you from them. You are a special kind of stupid to throw me away. I am worth it and have proved it so many times I have a fucking migraine from your insanity. Stay away from me. Get a one way ticket. I did it without you before I will do it again.
Even still I am already freaking out that you are gonna dump me and run. I can never get over that hump of trust I guess. Time will only tell. I resent you for all the times you have hurt me yet I keep coming back like an abused dog. Just leave me in peace. I want to just stop the noise. You cause some of it too now! Not just my parents. I don't understand your insanity at this point. I wish I did. I don't think I ever will really.
I get how important this trip is. I was trying to pick between everything. I am sorry that I value a roof over my head. I am sorry that I do not feel entitled to a vacation when I am up to my eyeballs in debt right now. I am sorry. So very sorry. I cannot take your drama and stress anymore. I can't stand how much you hurt me. I cannot fathom what I did to you to deserve this much hatred towards me. That is what it feels like at this point. Pure, unadulterated hatred. This is not how you treat someone you love damn it! I can't stand these feelings anymore. Why do you bully me, verbally and emotionally abuse me? I get so many things and don't pass judgements onto you. Why is it ok for you to do it to me?
You know what? leave and never return. I do not deserve this abuse. Get out of my life, take the fucking dogs, and never come back. Don't call me, don't text me, go, just fucking go! You do not fulfill your promises to me, so just fucking leave. I am done being your whipping boy.
Sun, Jan. 12th, 2014, 09:01 pm
I need to start writing again in this thing. I have so much going on that it is hard to fathom let alone even deal with. Then there is my head. I think I will take Ammie's advice and start journaling more. I won't get into great detail just yet, but soon, very soon I will.
Wed, Sep. 25th, 2013, 03:05 am
Since I refuse to talk to you, maybe just fucking maybe I can make you understand. You posted recently that you couldn't understand why I didnt talk about you. Why should I? Why should I talk about one of the worst times in my life? Publicly or not? Why would I give you five lines when so much else is important to me? You drove me to points that no one, I mean no one have driven me to. I never want to imagine let alone sit here and dwell on that time period for the rest of my days. Hence why you are deleted in nearly ever facet that I could get around to. Blocked in all ways. I never want to relive those memories. You say you are getting married. How would your WIFE like those messages? Think she would approve you telling me you still have feelings for me? Neither does my future wife. I am engaged. Have been for a good minute now, and I won't allow YOU to destroy that. When it comes to you, not only do I feel an overwhelming sense of anger, but I feel guilty. Guilty I couldn't help you because you just refused to fucking listen to me. All you care about is yourself and I won't stand for it. But the guilt comes from the overwhelming sense of wanting to steer you onto the right path. Someone else can have the task. Permanently. I never want it again. Too much damn work. Good luck in your life, but stay out of mine. Please and thank you.
For your sake, I will not post this to facebook. I need to not call you out publicly for what has transpired. I know some of my friends read this, and hopefully this will clarify where I am right now. I hope to anyways. I so need to understand what in the hell is happening and why me.
I know that my depression is kicked up in high gear right now from circumstantial items all the way to time of year. I know that this time of year is particularly difficult for me. I have come to realize that I have been depressed for about eleven months now, and have been fighting a losing battle with myself. I am going to seek out therapy when I get home to Colorado and honestly look forward to this adventure and hope that it goes well for me. I am seeking the help that I so need, but have been to scared to partake in. I need to make peace with my demons inside of my soul and finally clear out Pandora's box. I need to do this for myself and no one else. I need to get better.
The relationship ending has taught me a lot about Ammie. It has taught me a lot about myself, what I have done wrong and where this is going to head for the future. A lot of truths have been made finally, things I knew about, but was too scared to ask the questions and get the answers I have needed for a very long time.
My first confession oh journal of mine, is my first suicidal thought in a very long time happened when I was driving home. A flashing thought of how easy it would be to take off my seat belt and just drive off a ravine would be. We have plenty of hills here in the area, so it would be nothing to just crash and burn would it? I got wholeheartedly scared of this thought and a new found peace and calm surrounded me, I finally felt the presence I needed for so long now. I felt like I was gonna be okay and I calmed back down. A new strength began coursing through my veins and my anger of this situation welled up making me realize a few things as I finished my ride home. I realized so much. I now know what my future holds for me.
I think I found that strength I have been begging for from myself finally. I am so excited to have it running through my soul, making me feel complete again. I finally feel like I can pick myself up after a damn near year dealing with this. I think I can move onward and forward from this with care and ease. I think I can finally pick up and move to new lights shining and be okay with this situation. That feels so amazing. Yes, I am a female and can find odd stores of energy and strength where it shouldn't be, that is a comfort honestly.
So, I have felt like her personal yo yo for days now. I need to decide whether to just back off and such or flat out move on from her and allow her to realize what mistake she gets to live with in her own due time. I think I have finally hit this wall. It took a little bit to get there. But after last night, I am so beyond angry right now with her. I could so give her a piece of my mind and not care one way or the other how much it hurts her. I finally reached my breaking point. Bout damn time I say.
She admitted that she illusioned herself the better bulk of our relationship that she was in love with me and felt that strongly for me. She even admitted the fact that that is why she has never completely felt in love with me in a continuous fashion due to this. Now, secretly I knew this only a couple months back, but I was too scared to admit to it and started pulling away from her and hid parts of myself so she had fewer weapons against me. Now I realize how stupid of a fucking idea that was. I should have ended this months ago. But now yet again back and forth, she is telling me that she is in love with me finally, but needs to make sure that is the case before coming to me about it. She needs to make sure that is what she wants before she tries to be with me. This is where my decision comes into play. I need to decide whether I am going to give her that chance to really hurt me, yet the fuck again, or tell her to blow me and close myself off to her to a degree. I will remain friends with her, even live with her, but I won't allow her to ever have a hold on my heart ever again. I have to decide this point, I know which way I am leaning right now. And that is where I am right in this moment. I want to give many chances like I have done with so many people. But does she or will she ever deserve a second chance with me? Will I be able to trust her the way I have over the past few months.
Right now I am so angry I want to pack my stuff, call a cab, and fly the fuck outta this state and never look back. Wait for her to finally show up, and give her the biggest piece of my fucking mind when she does. Make sure she knows she will never have a chance in hell with me ever again. She took my heart last night in her hands once more, and crushed it. I swear on purpose. I swear she wants to hurt me these days. She wants to play games with me. I think she is enjoying doing this to me.
Then there is the flip side of me that knows she never meant to hurt me. That never meant to sit here and do this to me. She loves me truly, but is just too fucking scared of herself and the possibilities to actually admit to it. I know this deep in my soul cause I watched as she uttered every word of her coming clean to me last night. I watched her eyes stare deep into mine knowing that she was hurting me, knowing what her words would do to me. I know this isn't a game and she didn't lie to me at all. She meant all her kind words and her love and passions for me.
So I wiped her slat clean last night. I will allow her to rebuild my trust right now. I will allow her the chance to fuck up before I walk out of her life and only remain a friend from afar. I will allow her the opportunity to hurt me truly deep and good and hard. I think I am slightly insane for doing this, but oh well. I feel that this is the right thing to do right now, and the best thing that I can do.
I am beginning to feel better typing this all out really... Making things crystal clear for me.
I am going to give her the chance I think to actually hurt me. I will back off slightly and wait patiently for her to tell me one way or the other if she wants to be with me or not. I am going to give her some breathing room right now. I am going to stop trying to sleep with her, and leave last night as my remaining memory now that I have it. I felt her love last night. That is good enough for me knowing her decision could still sway that she doesn't want to be with me. I hope she begins to realize who she is someday....
I am going to remain open and vigilant that I have a chance to be with one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I hope it is meant to go that way someday. But for now I think I am going to enjoy the sunshine on my face during a nice long hike. Enjoy the warmth of my friends and family back in Colorado. I am going to live my life for myself and enjoy being alone. I need to be happy with that right now no matter who I decide to live with.
Yes, this is the gameplan, be there for her, remain open for her to hurt me again, remain calm and happy. Work on the things I need to improve upon, and stay happy no matter the outcome of this, or any other thing that may occur. Yup, that sounds good.
I knew all I needed to do was write in here and I would feel way better. Gotta love it.
For now, it is time for a relaxing nap and allow this calm to settle into me. Much love...
Tue, Feb. 5th, 2013, 07:52 pm
What if you were caught in a nightmare that you seemed to never wake from. This depression is killing me slowly. I cannot seem to pick up where I have left off from anymore. I seem to only work and sleep now, it is all I can do to barely get up in the morning now for work. I have no drive for myself anymore. I think I have given up on myself unfortunately. I feel drained. I need to shake myself and wake up, but feel as though the inner strength has left me. I feel as though all life has drained from my eyes and there is this dead haunted fool staring back at me in the mirror now. There is nothing left for me to bare anymore. How do I go back to living for myself nowadays. Feels like everyhting I have done for the last year has been for others, quite possibly this is true. That sucks to realize.
Maybe Tina is right, I need to turn into a cold bitch. But I went from being that person to this softie. Did I turn too soft? Did I get too soft that everyone wants to just walk all over me? Am I allowing this now instead of standing up for myself. Did I allow that to happen over the last six months or so? That would suck if I did. But at the same time I do not feel used at all. But am I being used in some fashion and not even realize it?
I am a fish out of water right now. I am drowning on the air that I breathe even. I am choking, slowly dying. I cannot seem to catch a breath of fresh air to save my own sanity, my own life. I cannot pull it together here. I am so excited to leave soon. Knowing that brings a small smile to my face. Like everything will be okay once I get home. That I will survive this amongst other things. I just don't know anymore.
Fuck you and your untouchable face, fuck you for existing in the first place.
I feel like her personal yo yo. I feel as though the last six months she played a hell of a game with me and that deep down I have never meant much of anything. I feel so stripped of everything, even though I gave so much of my all to her. I am so angry with her. I feel as though she never meant a word she has ever said to me. I feel as though I was this little toy she could play with whenever she wanted to, and now that I am not shiney and new anymore, it is time to toss me in the box with the rest of the toy castaways. This is some serious bull shit if this is the case. Then she is not worth even my friendship even. Somewhere in me doesn't believe this is the case, but as each day passes I cannot help but feel this way more and more. As each day passes I can't help the anger welling up inside. I have always defaulted to anger as a method to get over others, which I know is unhealthy. I need to figure this out once and for all. I need to somehow manage to stuff this all away into Pandora's Box to save myself. I need to do that for my own benefit, and for the benefit of our friendship.
Is this friendship worth fighting for right now? Is this what I want, or do I need to walk right out of her life for good? Should I help her by getting a place with her or should I fall off the face of the earth with the amount of anger that I feel? Or can I move past this dark time in my life?
I know deep in mhy heart despite my anger she loved me truly madly and deeply. Somewhere deep down she never meant to hurt me despite the rage that is welling within my soul. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I know she never meant to yo yo me. I know this, now why am I going through all of this unhealthy anger? I know she is worth helping out, but how do I block out this rage that is settling deep within me? How do I cast this all aside so I can be sane and logical about the whole mess? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach about this. I feel as though I am losing my fucking mind now. This is ridiculous. I am letting my anger get the better of me and I do not know how to fucking stop it now. I just feel like I cannot win for losing despite what the fuck I want. It feels like my anger has to take control of every action that I make right now. Ugh why am I feeling this way?
At the end of it all I need to realize that this is for the better. No matter how I feel I need to let her go instead of hanging on every word. I need to let her be her now and grow her wings and fly. I need to let her go despite the passions felt in my heart. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. But I guess right now I need to find my own way, work through this killer depression and find the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how far that light seems to be. I need to find that little shred of fight left in me. I have no clue where it is now. I have no clue if it even exists, but it must right? I must find it.
I think when I get home I will begin therapy once more and fix some of the issues that are deep inside me. I need to face the facts and realize I need this help more than some people. I need to get better. I am scared to find yet another disappointment. I am scared to just blow through money with no viable results. Ever. I feel as though I wil never know unless I try.
This one is called Again...
I look into your eyes
I feel my heart pound for you
I'm getting past the hurt all alone
Feeling you curl into my arms for guidance and warmth
Soothes my soul
Her tears wet my shirt
Feeling her pain causes my own tears to fall
So tired of the wetness cascading from me
So tired of feeling lost and alone
Missing you my strength to get thru the day
She looks at me with love on her eyes once more
Can we do this?
Look into my damp eyes tell me you love me
Tell me you can join my soul
Tell me how much you want me as your partner
And once and for all give me all that you've got
To make this last
My prayers remain unanswered so fat
But i can pick myself up once more
Strength burning in my soul
The fighter coming from within
My love is strong
I owe you so much of me and await my opportunity to show it for you
Till that time makes itself known
I will wait got you to return
I could fight with you until the end, I could fight to make you see my point, but where would that get either of us in this moment? Where would that get me? Single in the end in a matter of weeks or months? I am so lost right now. I am so confused. I am so depressed right here in this moment. This is causing my soul to cry out in vain. This is making me want to scream right now, make me cry, make me want to hate her even though I cannot. She told me she is no longer in love with me. Mary did the same exact fucking thing to me. I, god where do I begin on how much that breaks my heart. But she is right, this is just stringing me along. Oh journal, where do I pick up the pieces and how do I move on from here. How do I carry on? How do I pick up and just collect all these pieces to my broken heart, carry forward despite what I feel for her inside. How am I supposed to just look at her with all of this love in my heart, and not do anything about it? I do not know what to do anymore. I am so confused. Hell even my own writing reflects that right now.
No one could possibly love her the way I love her. There is no possibility of this matter. There is no one that can hold a flame to me. There is no one that will ever hold a flame to her. I can't give up but at the same time I need to roll over like a submissive fucking dog. I just gotta give up no matter what I want to do about things. I have to let her go in this moment despite the fact that my mind, my heart, and my soul are screaming in vain to never let her go. I can't let her leave me so easily. Yet I have to despite what I feel inside. I want to hide my heart forever and never let it out. This is going to change me if I am not careful. I can let this get out of control. I could potentially lose myself during this time period in my life. I could totally lose myself right now. How in the fuck am I supposed to not do that?
This is all so stupid. I should have known something was up. I am such a fucking fool right now. I should have never given my heart to her. What the fuck ever. What did I do to deserve this? I finally found someone worth me and my affections only to get fully dumped months later like I meant nothing to her. This is some bull shit!!! I did nothing wrong and she just totally stomped on my heart like I meant absofuckinglutely nothing worthwhile to her. I even bought a strap on with her, got her on my cell phone plan for ease of things and now what, she just throws me into the dust like I meant nothing? She is mentally whacked out of her fucking skull to think this is a good idea to do. This is horrid. This is so many damn things I can barely fathom the words I need to describe this right now. She is a fucking fool to let me go. I know my damn worth in a relationship. This is crazy!!
Her soul is crying, I can see the sadness in her eyes to be doing this right now. I can see the pain in her eyes realizing that this could possibly be the worst mistake of her life, that when she realizes that this is just a mistake, it may be too late to rekindle anything at all. I know she is considering this in her decisions right now, but it brings little relief to me right now. I wish I could find some form of relief in all of this. I wish I could get angry. I wish I could get mad at her. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs to her how wrong how dead wrong we are in this decision. I wish so many things in this moment. I wish to dear fucking god this is all a nightmare and I will wake from it on the morrow. I just... I don't even know anymore. She has lit up my whole world and taught me so much in so few of months. I wish I knew what to do with this right now. I wish I had a clue which step in what direction was the right one. I just wish.... I can sit here all damn day long and wish in one hand, and allow myself to shit in the other, and see which one fills up first. I know which one will physically lead to anything.
We have decided to do a two bedroom to help each other out. But is this a wise idea for my own sanity? She will meet new people and bring them over and I will always be wondering. But at the same time I do not want to live with Katey up in the ghetto. So I am having an internal struggle with what path is the right one. So we compromised and agreed to try out a six month lease and see where things lead with one another. No I won't allow myself to get hung up on her too much, but is this something I can emotionally handle? I will not know until I honestly give it a whirl. I won't know until I try. I won't understand how I will react to these hard as hell things until I am in the positions to see where they take me. I just hope she does keep her word and does treat me with respect. She said she would...
I need a hug. I need a big strong drink. I need a friends shoulder to cry my eyes out onto, and just feel sorry for myself for once before I pull myself together and begin to feel nothing at all. I want her to realize these things, and I pray, before it is too late. Oh well...
I am going to kick back, listen to music and stumble the internet before I lose my damn mind. Off to something soothing for once. I need to just take a chill pill and pretend that life isn't bearing down upon my head.
I got to be true to myself. I need to decide what is best for me at this point. There are certain things that have caught my eye as of late. What is it that it will take just to make me happy anymore. Is it this move to Colorado that all of a sudden she can no longer make up her mind on, or is staying here and hopefully transferring my job to another location. I am tired of this part time competition bull shit. I can't fucking do this anymore. I question existing at this point. I question so much of my own path now that it is slightly ridiculous. I do not know what the next step is and I refuse to budge until I know. I refuse to move forward being uncertain right now. I am not sure if this healthy for me, but it can't hurt me any further ya know? I need to figure this all out.
Ammie came to me talking about missing Colorado. We decide to make the journey once more into the unknown as a couple to go back. We start telling those we missed the most about it as well. Now my friends and family are all excited for my return, but now it may not even happen. Can I let those people down? Is that even a plausible thing to do? I don't know. I know I want to move back, start over and do things right this time around. It started to feel like home right as I packed my things to move here. Now, I am here, miserable, but enjoying the landscape. I missed water. I missed the peaceful calm it always brought me. I missed that about Florida. But I miss my mountains. I missed the rolling hills and landscape. I miss the valet job and the daily cash flow that tips always brought me. I miss some of my friends and especially Cesar. I miss him something awful. I attached to him in ways I never thought I could attach to a child as. I would like to create my own, but am unsure if that will ever come to pass in the future. Who knows anymore. I sure as hell don't.
But am I moving there for her or for me? Am I staying here for her or for me? Is this relationship worth my happiness nowadays. I love her dearly. I truly do, and would honestly go to the ends of the earth for her. But I am unsure of our next steps together and that makes me leery as all fuck. Her family is slowly warming up to me, but how long will it be before they accept our love? Ever? I don't know what to do to make them accept this honestly, I don't think they ever will and I know how hard that is on her. I want certain things someday, and not sure if they will ever come to pass because of their opinions. She doesn't even realize just how much she lives for others when she should be living for herself. It is maddening to watch from the sidelines and not be able to do anything about. She has done so much for others. Why can't she just live for herself for once instead of making everyone else happy? They are miserable no matter what you do. If they are miserable little fucks let them be that way.
I haven't done much of anything except for work myself half to death, until recently. I finally quit one of the two jobs. Now I am sitting back and relaxing with one part time job. But it isn't enough money. It just isn't working out making jack shit for a wage. I mean, it does pay ten bucks an hour, but still. This is silly how much time I spend there twiddling my thumbs. I need to be moving. I need to be selling. But no one is buying. I am not happy in retail, but what career field will I be happy in? I have been thinking a lot about this. I need to decide where we are going to be living so that I can decide on a school and go back for a degree of some sort. When I was discussing this with Ammie the other day, one of the things she suggested was an XRay Tech, they make decent money, it seems easy enough of a job, and only two years of school, so not as daunting as the six I was thinking of taking on for my career field.
So that may be the next move, but I need to live somewhere for awhile first. I mean what if we move into town and decide on the city next, or move to the city and she wants Colorado. AHHH she is driving me insane with indecision. I love her, but damn it this is killing me not knowing. I am the type of person who has to know everything because I swear I am just insane like that. Oh well...
So there is all this going through my head, and then just recently it appears there is an emotional value between a friend and I. I am not sure if I am reading too much into things but it kind of made itself clear to me. And I am not alone in thinking that. I am flattered, but I can't do that to myself, my friendship, or Ammie. I am happy with her overall despite how it is suddenly a little wonky right now. I know it won't be wonky for long. I know it will clear up on its own accord and that is exciting to itself honestly. We will be together officially six months in like four days. Thats pretty bad ass all to itself. I am really looking forward to it continuing for many years. That is a definite joy. But what to do about this friend. I know they will not make a move out of respect for my relationship. I am just hoping I am over analyzing things like I have the awesome tendency of doing. It would be better if I was.
I just need to sit down and talk with Ammie and figure all this shit out once and for all. She seemed to get really stressed out earlier, so I will leave the topic at bay until later on. We shall see. For now it is off to go play with my music. Later days.
Okay. I am all out of sorts right now. I am not sure how to even put these thoughts to my own journal. I am pensive, I am tense, I am above all angry. I cannot control my emotions today. They seem to have run away from me in this cold and wet afternoon. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to tell God to go fuck himself. I want to just have a mental breakdown. I almost wish a job, either job would call me and bring me in so that way at least I had an out. A way to get out of here for a little bit and go off and relax at the job site till my mind cools off. But today is supposed to be my relaxing day. All I can do it want to scream while crying and get it out of my system once and for all. I cannot even form the thoughts into words to express to Ammie. WTF...
I am angry at her friends. All they want to do and say is that this isn't real. All they want to do is pretty much ignore me. What the hell. Why am I ignored while her ass of an ex reaps all the rewards? Why is it they wholeheartedly accept her but me they say isn't even a real relationship. What is wrong with this picture huh? I am angry at them because they keep enforcing the thought that she and I aren't meant to be shit to her. She is confused enough without their help damn it. She doesn't need their negative input, yet they have no problem continuing to share it with her, only furthering the gap between her and I. Meanwhile they are so sweet with me and make me feel welcome in their homes. Go fuck yourselves. All of you little rat bastards. Fuck you all. I cannot fathom why you seem to act like this towards me yet accepted an unhappy unfulfilled relationship as real.
I wish her family seemed a little warmer to me. I want to try a little harder, but with how I feel right now what is the point of that even? I want to spend more time around them, attempt to engage them a little bit better. I guess there really is no point to that even, I am not sure. I just wish I knew how to break some of the ice with her father so that he would warm up to me a little better, at least feel comfortable enough to start up a conversation with me without worry.
Anyways I guess what is really repeating in my head is that maybe her friends are right. Maybe we did move too fast. Maybe this isn't the right thing to be doing. Maybe we aren't meant to be together and it is all one sided like I have always feared. Yet her words then come into my mind and I remind myself of all the times that she has expressed to me that she wants to start a life with me. That she wants marriage and kids with me. If this was all true why would mentioning a ring to her cause her utter panic instead of joy? If this was supposed to all come true for us, then why does she freak out all the time on me and cause self doubt and illusions of fear into her own mind? If this was meant to be why won't it just fucking work for once god damn it.
What am I to her? A stepping stone that means nothing more than setting her up for her next one true love? What am I? Is this all a prank on me, a ha ha from the big guy in the sky? This is some serious bull shit. I always get to be the one hurting. She always gets to feel like an ass and a jerk. So this makes no sense whatsoever. This all feels like a giant head game that neither of us are playing on each other, but someone else doing this to us. Is this all a game? Is this just one huge fucking joke being played on me? Am I really going to be in love with someone who may never commit to me in the way that 1 I deserve, and 2 deserves me? Seriously now. I mean cmon. What is this bull shit?
I furiously type this all out in the vain hopes it can clear my head. If anything I feel just as confused as I started out being. I feel just as jumbled up as before. I feel as though nothing makes sense. What truly pisses me off is today is such a good day for bonding and loving, instead I am sitting here wondering if she wants to end it. I am left sitting back feeling like a jerk for wondering, if on her end, her friends are right. I am tired of sitting back and questioning. I cannot seem to give up on us, no matter how many times so far so many others would just up and walk away and never look back. Instead I try to be optimistic and get her to see my side of it so that she will come to me and just love me already. JUST LOVE ME DAMN YOU!!! Stop fighting what this is, take my hand, and take a chance with me.
Thank you Loni for destroying such a beautiful person. Thank you for causing trust issues when she didn't have them before. Thank you for damn near killing off a beautiful person. Thank you for leaving all these pieces for everyone to come together and help to pick up with her. You shattered her in ways I never thought were possible of doing to another person. I hope that karma repays you in similar fashions. This is just disturbing how much damage you have caused.
I recently brought up twin flames and she was finally willing to indulge me and her own curiosity in looking more into what it is all about. Now I think it has caused more problems than it was even worth indulging me in. This is some crap ya know? I finally get her to look into it stressing that I do not need her to believe in it but merely understand where I am coming from. I stressed this point a million times. Now I think not only does she not believe in it due to the sounding of hokey, but also now is causing more questions to be raised on her end about where our relationship is going and why. She just won't let her heart reign forth the way it needs to. Instead she is so damn logical it is sickening. I just wish I could make her see how this much logic isn't healthy and allow herself some emotional freedom and healing. But yet, even still she won't let Loni go. Makes me worry slightly when she makes a point to bring this up to me, makes me have a mild panic attack. I have to believe her when she says I will never do that again, but who isn't to say that that isn't a possibility even still? Who isn't to say she hasn't told me she is still waiting for Loni and hoping Loni will try to win her over once more. She barely cracked a smile with me all morning, but as soon as her and Dennis called, it was all smiles. Then back to the doldrums with me. Why am I the one getting shafted here? What did I do in this Karmic universe to deserve this? Why do I not deserve full love, where she can just fall for me the way we both deserve? I am left with so many questions and not enough answers to satisfy my needs right now. I deserve her unconditional love that I know she wants to give me. So why can't she just let go of her stupid annoying brain and allow me to wallow in happiness with her.
This seems completely unfair somehow. This seems completely useless to keep battling, but I cannot give in. I love her with every ounce of my heart and soul. I would go to hell and back, giving up my heavens to see her smile once more. There is so much I want her to see. There is so much love I want to pour into her heart, I just have to hope I have that opportunity. Will I ever have that opportunity at this point or is this all a fallacy? I don't even know the answer to that question anymore these days. I guess I just get to sit back and wait and wonder.
Right now part of me feels that this is finding its end now. That this is all somehow a joke on me. I will never know unless I keep fighting for her. For us. I will never know unless I see it until the very end, be it the last breath from one of us, or the end of the relationship altogether. I wonder if we are only hurting ourselves by trying to stay together and we are causing ourselves emotional harm where it is not needed. I wonder at this point how worth this painful process will be. Will it be all angels and rainbows like I hope it to be, or will I wind up the fool with her looking at me with pity in her eyes on every meeting. This is all so scary right now. There is no method of thought, there is just acting. I am hoping I am acting in the correct manner.
Today is flying by, it is already four pm, and I feel as though we have completely disconnected with no hope of return today... This just sucks. Why us, why us God. Why can we not be left alone to bask in the glory of happiness and love? This seems so unfair to us both. Give me the answers and the strength to accept those answers, no matter what they may be made out of.
Until we meet again...