Wed, Sep. 26th, 2012, 05:58 pm
So far so good
So far so good in my new little paradise. I think things are going rather well. You know, I jumped on here with so much in my mind and not sure what to even type out now. I feel a little like I am in the twilight zone. Things are very different here compared to the city. I am intrigued about this. This is a very unique experience. The drive went very smoothly. To see her excitement grow as the cities and the states flowed past the vehicle made it very exciting for her. I was impressed with that one. I knew she would get more and more excited but to actually see how happy and relaxed she got was so much fun. That was way cool.
I ate squirrel for the first time in my life tonight. It tasted like chicken. That was really weird and still debating how I feel about it. I am def in the country.
Things are still strong between Ammie and I. We are working on getting our own place as soon as we can. We need that for ourselves and for Mobey, her puppy. I love that dog. I cannot wait for us to get another dog together. I think it will be a huge bonding experience for me and her and make it more of a reality to her that we are doing this together.
I feel as though I have stepped back into time. A simpler, easier time. This is so amazing to me. I love it here.
Having the water once more, omg happiness. I am so glad to be here and near the water again. Seagulls. Fucking seagulls. Amazing. I never thought I would miss those little rats with wings. Flying bastards I swear, yet here I am excited to see them once more.
I am happy for the first time in a very long time. I have broken some bonds with Tiffany. I know that our friendship can no longer be repaired. I am kind of down about this, but it was time. Long time over due if you ask me. Time for life to move on for certain.
Anyways time to cut this short and go relax for a bit. I think I just need some quiet time to sort through my thoughts so that I can type them all up.
I just want the relationship to come together and remain strong, stronger than ever. Some fears got kicked up last night, but its okay. We will make it through it for sure.
Fri, Sep. 14th, 2012, 09:09 pm
I love titles sometimes, they can be so misleading haha. But this one is so true. Everything in my life is pending right now. Pending move, pending jobs, pending life. It is all in the high of times. I have been debating some of the fears that I have tonight. Hell even dealing with a real true blue winter is gonna be interesting. God I am such a Floridian at heart, the concept of a winter, a real cold winter scares the hell out of me lol.
At first I thought going through all of my fears, I thought it was something to do with second guessing myself. After much debate, I know it isn't that now. I never really thought it was that. I got confirmation finally when I realized that I was letting a certain person have control over me yet again. I am refusing to let Tiff control my life like this. She split up with me two weeks after moving here. I have a faith with Ammie that I never have had with Tiff at all. I loved her yes, but not to the depth I have had with others. And now what I have is amazing. What we have is amazing and totally trips me out sometimes. How done I feel.
We were discussing some things the other night that had my heart pounding a beat it never has beat before. I am so excited to be honest with you.
This move is much needed. And I am almost done packing everything up. I am almost done with all my chores to make this move smooth as possible. It is all coming together now. I am so excited. And it means I get to meet her family soon. That is a little nerve wracking but okay, I got this. It shouldn't be a problem at all, I just can't panic, I cannot hide behind Ammie. I gotta be headstrong about all this really. I cannot let it get to me is all. Big family yes, but I got this. I think maybe that is why it is so daunting really. It is the biggest family I will have ever met with a partner. That is scary unto itself. But I have to stay positive and I will have no problems at all.
SO many positive thoughts and happy things are coming my way. I am excited to see what the future holds. Let's see where this path takes me.
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on Katey. You are the most selfish self absorbed prick I have had the lack of pleasure of meeting, let alone dating. Why have I put up with you this long? Why am I not fucking you over in the end and booking it? Why am I not just up and walking away? I am a good person, I can't bring myself to stoop to that level at all. Not like you aren't stooping beneath yourself. You are making me feel terrible about a wonderful decision.
I leave hopefully shortly. I am hoping that I can book it with Ammie and just go straight out there without any space in between us at all. That would be ideal. What would also be ideal? Stopping by her exs house and giving that retarded bitch a piece of my mind once and for all. Making sure she realizes what she lost. Making sure she knows how thankful I am to have a woman half as amazing as Ammie, let alone Ammie herself. She needs to realize just how fucked in the head she is for fucking this wonderful thing they had up. She needs to realize what she has done. I will be karma.
I can dream right? I won't do it much as I want to. Much as something inside tells me to go do it before leaving.
So much to do and so little time right now. I feel like I have a ton to do, but in all reality I do not have all that much to do. Just decide what stays and what doesn't. I do not need ninety percent of what I have. Some of the paperwork I need right now for later on. I still need to figure out the situation with my medicine. I need to see when my next script comes in so that I can kind of plan for that. That is extremely important really. I can't believe how many minor details need to be taken care of before this move. Oh well.
I do not have as much to say aside from that. So off I go to play video games and occupy the next three hours of work. I am so fucking bored right now. Gah!
Where in the the hell do I begin with the events as of late. Start with the small stuff I suppose. First and foremost I am very happy with my relationship and couldn't imagine any more happiness than what I already have. But, it can only get better and I know this deep down in my core. I understand so much dealing with her right now and honestly worry about her sanity sometimes. I try to be the best I can be for her. I know I am successful but I worry I do not do enough, but that is just me and my own personal issues lol.
Anyways, I have come to the conclusion to drop my classes and start again another year when I know more of what I want to do with my future and life. Now is not the time so I dropped everything. I have already logged in and dropped all my classes. It is settled. I have dropped from school. I feel defeated about it and by it. But I am okay more than I thought I would be about it. I am confidant I have made the right choices about this. I feel almost relieved by this decision to take some time for myself and figure out exactly what is in my future. I hold the cards, how do I choose to play them.
So I am moving. I am finally leaving this state. I am finally going to seek out that comfort of home. I am finally finally moving back up in this world and am so excited beyond words. Ha, and Ammie thought she might have to convince me to either tag along or follow her there. I think there has been a lot over the last few weeks pointing me that direction silently. Just subtle little hints like where people are from and such. Nothing huge that lit up the sky with a neon sign that says hey asshole move to Michigan and start over fresh you fucking hate it where you are. So, here goes nothing. When I said new chapters I had no idea it meant a move, a major one at that in my near future. I never thought this was possible. But this is what happens when you care for someone the way that I do. I am not going to let a little distance stop me from being with the one I love. I refuse to allow that to happen. I am not going to sit back and let things fade. I am taking a stand and staying strong through this trial and tribulation. There is nothing more that I would do than this. I hope this further concretes in just how I feel for this woman, and that my love is genuine.
A chance to finally leave the place that has plagued me for two years. I have couch surfed more here than anywhere else on this planet. I have sat here struggling tooth and nail to climb my way to the top. I am sick and tired of this lifestyle. It hasn't been healthy since I moved here. I have been depressed so much since moving here. I am not happy. I haven't found what I was looking for despite searching high and low. I was looking for home in this city, in this state, and have not found it yet. I am tired of feeling this low and shit all the damn time. It is my time to live damn it. I need this move. I think I need it more than I realize. To finally break free of the chains holding me down here.
I haven't contemplated how her family will receive the fact I very well may be able to tag along and join her on this journey cross country. I do not know how they will receive me just yet. They might be thrilled, worried, who knows. I am unsure how happy they will be about some stranger in their home. I haven't put much thought into this just yet. I am unsure and a little unsteady on my feet about this right now. That really is the scariest concept to me. Granted I know her family will warm up to me rather easily, which I have never been confidant in before. I have never felt this encouraged about meeting a partner's family and felt so at ease about it. But then again, I know they will not be able to resist my charm and ability to entertain, that and I am listening to Ammie when she tells me about her family and putting as much as I can to memory, so that later on I can pull it to the surface and know I won't tread many toes at all.
I think I would love it out there. From what pictures I have seen and what I have heard it sounds lovely. I feel as though I might like it there without ever having been there. I feel as though I might not be so overwhelmed as I am here. I feel as though I might find the peace I need in my life. I might find the inner sanctuary I have been eye balling all along. I might find the spiritual world I am longing for within and cannot seem to express to anyone really. I barely understand what it means within. But I lack peace.
So I have hacked a lot of the finer details of things. Spending as much time as I do in the key room gives me that ability. I have hacked out most of the details that I want to see with things. I have already figured out the finer details like what do I need to bring with me what don't I to pack as lightly as possible in case I do tag along with her. That should be interesting. Me her a dog and as much as we can haul. I am amused at the concept honestly lol. I think a roof rack may be in order much? Or tie downs and duffle bags haha. I dunno. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. They always do.
I love that she wants with me what I want with her. I love the concepts that are coming around to terms with each other right now. This is it. This is my means to an end. That's it, I am finally done. I finally have found the one that completes me in every sense of the word. Now I am moving cross country with her.
Who knew this would happen.
I am not allowing this to post up to my facebook. I do not want everyone knowing what I am doing just yet. I want it to surprise some, I want some to be angry at my happiness. But others I just do not want to hear. I do not want to hear the negative responses they will have towards this. I really don't care about their opinions anymore. I am letting go of all the negative energy and I am going to soar high as I can.
I could be moving in as little time as it takes me to quit my job. This is crazy. I am shocked. I am excited and elated. I am so many emotions wrapped up in one. One human should not contain this much stuff lol. This is almost too much for one person really. It almost seems as though this much happiness should overflow to others around me really. Almost seems unfair to contain it in one individual really. It seems almost sad, but I am loving it.
So to sum it up, huge life changes going on right now. Big things that are a little weird but totally worth my time and energy. I dropped school and have decided to move to Michigan. So far so good really. I got this. I have got this. Everything will fall into place smoothly, I just have that feeling. It is weird. I am open to the possibility that this will not work. I am open to that potential. But I do not see that happening at all which is another oddity to add in.
So much to do so little time. But I have this under control. Not a problem. Adios for now journal.
Thu, Aug. 30th, 2012, 04:08 pm
I am... What am I right now? I am confused. Yes that is a good start. I am perplexed. Mhm, good good keep it coming. I am discontent. I am angry. I am scared half to death. I am a very mixed up jumble of emotions. To make matters worse I haven't spoken to her all day long. I have sat here for the last hour in keys willing my phone to go off. I guess I keep hoping for a text that makes this all go away. Who would have thunk I would put myself into this position willingly and strive through it all like the best of them. The anger has quickly faded into understanding and comprehension so for that I am thankful. Despite how badly I have wanted to text all day, I have not. I am waiting for her to come to me and it is driving me up a damn wall. I am not sure how much longer I can last.
I didn't sleep last night worth a shit. She asked me to have faith in her. I have no faith in humanity as it were how am I supposed to have faith in one person? I know how negative that sounds and I do not give one ounce of a shit. I have never had faith in people and I was already starting to develop that emotion towards her. Now I must give in completely to a blind faith and pray that this isn't the end of something so new and amazing. I do not think I will survive that emotionally. I think that might kill a part or two of me off. I am petrified as to what the future will bring me, but I will remain vigilant and continue striving for success. I am wishing for the best at this point really.
Faith. I will try.
That is all that can be asked of me, especially right this explicit second.
I am stressed to high heaven. I am unsure what tonight will bring to me.
School went really well despite all of this mess. I am handling math class beautifully. I have a shit ton of homework to do though. I have all weekend long to get it done though. I am pretty excited. I have zero plans for this weekend except catch up on sleep. Gonna be amazing. Plans I had made are gonna fall through which works out great for me. I am pretty happy about that honestly. Is it bad I want to use that as an excuse to try and get her to talk to me instead of leaving me on this dark little island that I feel is sinking? Ugh how annoying...
I do not think my phone has been this quiet in a long time. This is just strange...
How hard I try to put myself in a better mood today I fail miserably. I do not feel very up to par with my emotions. I feel slightly erratic today. I will be in a good mood then plummet just as quickly as I raised myself up. This is highly annoying at this point. I do not like this. Just when I think I am feeling more positive about what the future holds my mood crashes out again. I need more sleep but how can I accomplish this? I cannot afford part time hours unfortunately. I did the math work, not even shaving off one day is feasible. I am bummed about that as I could really use a bit of a break. So what am I gonna do. Ever since Katey raised the rent on me, which I am still heated about her doing cause I was paying what I could without bumming from her at all, ever since it got raised on me I have been struggling to pay everything. Add on Tiff trying to get me to pay for one thing after another and me relenting, I am struggling again. I was finally hitting a point I wasn't bumming except rarely. Now I am trying desperately not to be at that point and it seems to be eluding. I keep falling behind further and further behind. I do not know that the 350 is gonna work for my finances and what I need to do. I need to build a savings. Yet I am not allowed to. She wants half the rent. Which is only 300 plus half the utilities which probably come to that amount. I am not saying she is being unreasonable, I am saying I cannot do it all. I pay for my own gas. I pay for my own smokes. I buy most of my lunches and she doesn't even take that into account. I dunno, we shall see how things go this semester. I just might have to talk to her about things.
School is going well but I am terrified this blending of the two school and work is going to fail miserably. It is the second day and I am exhausted. I feel like it is the fourth day. The sad part is it isn't. What am I going to do? Go through emotional hell while medicated? It isn't like I can get my rent dropped down. It is more than fair so I mean how can I ask for that so I can switch to part time and handle myself better. I dunno what to do right now. I am big bundle of nerves to top it all off.
So I think because of this and because of last week's events my options have been at the forefront of my mind. The whole concept of being sick and tired of Katey and that whole mess had me ranting to my wonderful woman and she offers up her home to me despite that not being my first choice. Yes there is a lot of discussions that would follow something like that, so I mean there is plenty of time to sit down and discuss it, but it has been on my mind and I am not sure why. I think it just happens to be something I am rolling around because it would make spending time together so much easier if I could. I might be able to drop a day at least. I dunno. I need to stop debating it right now in the state of mind I am in.
Why the fuck are my parents still getting to me and making me feel so negative! This is truly affecting me and I am sick and tired of it. Why are they affecting me so badly this round? Is it because they can't get it through their thick heads I am not the same person? Or perhaps it is because I can't understand their lack of desire to have their DAUGHTER in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, it is because I feel abandoned by the ones who are never supposed to give up on you. Wow, that just jerked a tear to the eye. Maybe I am onto something there. Maybe it is a combination with that being a forefront concept to me. No matter what I need to get these emotions out so they stop bugging me. I need therapy again I think.... Not sure with that one. Who knows.
Anyways, back onto topic, why do they bother me so much? I need to get to the bottom of this as this has taken its toll on me finally. I just cannot do it anymore. I am fighting for something that is never going to happen. They stopped reaching back years ago. I need to accept my fate and move on from this. They obviously don't want me as a part of their lives now. Maybe I should allow them peace in their life and drop out of the rat race, putting my focus on starting my own family and getting that rocking and rolling. I would rather put my unwasted attention on that. It is so much more worth it nowadays. I am beginning to wonder if I am spreading my attention fairly with that one. Am I just wasting time on a family who obviously has made it known they do not care about me? My friends have made more of an attempt to show me they care though which is nice. But what do I do with the rejection and pain I feel in my heart by realizing I am still trying too hard?
Alright. I need to find a better mood with myself. I think I hit a key element I haven't really verbalized with myself yet. So time to go focus on that and fix my mood.
How can I be a rock, how can I be there when I am gone all the time? How am I gonna be able to be there for you when I am so busy with work and school? How am I going to include you in my life? I am terrified of screwing something up, be it my job, my schooling, my girlfriend, something, because I have too much time to try and divide. I dunno how am I gonna do this. Suddenly I am having a panic about all of this. I am truly scared of failing right now. So much time and energy has been put into this. What if I screw it up? FML. What if I screw up so much there is no fixing it and I end up in an even worse situation that I am in now? I just don't know. I am trying to figure this all out and am hoping things go through smoothly right now. I am just in a panic mode all of a sudden about it and don't want to bog other people down right now. That and time is not really on my side right this minute... Too much to get done. Gr.
Class went well today. I think I am going to enjoy this semester no matter how badly things get fucked up around me. I am going to enjoy it at least lol. Work has gone smoothly tonight.
Does distance really make the heart grow fonder? Is there a point where the heart cannot grow any more fond? Does that even exist really? I dunno. I think I am over thinking and over analyzing just a tad like I always do. Maybe I should just stop while I am ahead hm? Oh well. Anyways, off I go to find a nap or something in my near future. Keep this short and sweet.
Sun, Aug. 26th, 2012, 03:58 pm
So much has happened over the last couple of days. I have realized who is reliable and who is a piece of shit to me at this point. Maybe not to that level but def close. True colors have flowed quite a bit lately. Why is it people can't be unselfish genuine folks? Why must people be like this? I don't want to let anyone else in close to me now. I am tired of getting treated like this. I am tired of being treated less than I deserve. This week I got into it with Tiff over the storage unit. First and foremost, I and Katey are paying the gas, the time, the money for a trailer, not you. We will get it to you on our own terms. Not yours. We have lives down here, or does that not matter to you anymore since you found the love of your life? Time and time again it has been proven to me the worth I have to you. Your words hold weakness now. They are nothing compared to how you make me feel on a consistent basis. I can't trust you, I cannot rely on you. I know what I will lose by pushing you away from me. I know the depth that this will go. I know what all this entails. I will be pushing Cesar, mom, Bethany, and George as well as their children away. I get it. I truly do. It sucks. So many memories though since we moved here. You might want to move back to Florida, but unless my woman is next to my side, I am going nowhere. You would only convince me to go back to the black hole because if I truly care about Cesar I will go back blah blah blah. You manipulate better than anyone I know, but you do it in such a way that you aren't using them. Well no more. You are going to an arms length.
You know who was there for me yesterday Katey?? My fucking coworkers. They were there for me. Ones that couldn't be wish they were. My own boss wish she could have and offered that if after the fact if I needed help she would have helped me. That was awesome. I am going to maybe let them in a bit. Just a little bit closer and see what happens, then let them in more. You are so far up your girlfriends ass these days. I am fed up with this. I lost sleep last night due to this. Wtf is so special about your woman you are willing to lose friends over her? Is she worth it to you? Is she? FUCKING A! Wake up before people leave you in the dust. If the roles had been reversed I would have been there for you in a blink of an eye. Yes I love my girlfriend, I want to discuss important things with her. I want to share my world with her. I want her as my partner for life. And if we had needed to discuss something and you called me asking for help which you NEVER fucking do, I would have asked her to pause it for a minute, let's do this, then I promise you will have my undivided attention. And then given it to her!! WTF is wrong with you. You are not the same Katey I dated. You are someone I can barely stand to be around. I want to move out, but I am a person of my word. I do not think this lease is going to end on good terms at this point. I think it will be a very bloody end. That is my personal opinion at this point. So fuck off for right now. I am avoiding you and you know it. You are trying to include me in dinner tonight. Trying to make a better impression upon me. But I just do not have time for this game. You can try but I highly doubt I will give you a second chance now, that kills me. You are such a wonderful woman to spend time with. You can be a pain in the ass but who isn't? I know I am a handful in and out of a relationship. But, for you to ditch me like I meant nothing to me. Well, that hurts me. And hurt turns into anger... So bite me.
Yesterday Ammie came to about something that I was unintentionally doing. I had a moment where I reverted to the old me. I am unsure if she saw it or not in my eyes. They give me away with her. I got hard. I emotionally shut down. Not because I was feeling that I was being attacked, but handling the situation. I haven't done that in a long time. Soon as I felt myself grow cold as I used to in the day, I made an effort to clear my mind and hear her out the rest of the way, not be hard and cold in what I say back, but emotionally vulnerable. I was proud that I put forth that effort and was rewarded handsomely with the conversation flowing easily, and the problem being fixed. That was a good feeling.
My back is beginning to decline more now. I need to take better care of myself and begin stretching and repairing what I can. When I get on decent health insurance I need to see a physical therapist and get more help. I want to avoid back surgery. I am quickly approaching it though and am terrified of that concept.
That is all for now. Class tomorrow begins. The next sixteen weeks will show me the next six years of my life. I am terrified I cannot do this and will give up before I even begin. I am scared that I cannot divide my time properly. We shall see. I gotta have faith damn it.
I am still kicking myself in the ass right now about some things. Damn it all to hell. Stupid brain. Oh well. Off I go to finish my chores. Adios.
Fri, Aug. 24th, 2012, 07:08 pm
I am not sure if this will be of decent or moderate size. All I know is I should blog a little bit before it builds up at all. Here soon I won't really have time to breathe let alone blog really. I know this deep down, so maybe this is a good option for now. Might as well get it out of my system. Lol. I am rambling, I can tell. But my English teacher taught me even nonsense keeps the writers mind writing and it can wind up a masterful piece by the time it is done. So here goes nothing.
I am thinking of deleting my facebook. Much as it keeps me connected to friends and news feeds what purpose is it actually serving? It is a modern myspace, which hell, last time I logged onto there was to kidnap some photos right quick that I didn't have on my computer. I no longer utilize myspace the way I once did. I don't really much care for facebook except to occasionally kill some time when I can't sleep. I barely check it most days when I am busy with things that need to be done, so why really keep it around? So others can keep an eye on me?
Oh you know what I have noticed, especially in reference to facebook? I am becoming much more private and less perverted publicly. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I just happen to catch it the other day. I used to be so terrible. Now it is just simple posts about my day or what is for lunch lol. I am rather boring these days. Where did my sense of adventure go? Have I finally begun to calm down? Is this what settling down entails? I kind of like it lol. My life is so much simpler now. It is so much easier to keep up with things when I am not constantly looking over my shoulders. I feel much better with the progress I have put into my life these days.
My parents started to bug me again recently which comes up from time to time. I really wish I understood why it makes me so negative with every aspect of my life like it has this tendency of doing. I don't think it helped that work was exploding at the same time so it just set into motion some nastiness out of me which is unusual for me nowadays. I have definitely improved my attitude over the years.
I have decided to keep tiff at arms length now. I have come to this conclusion due to recent events and feeling as though I do not matter at all to her now. I feel as though unless I am doing exactly what she thinks is right for me it isn't good enough. Like the fact that me and Ammie haven't like tied the knot to her bugs her right now. I have plenty of time to do that with Ammie, calm the hell down. I know it means I will get less of Cesar, but with the concept now back that I do want kids and that that could be a possibility with someone, well, I will just make my own family. I will make my own little world.
I have been reflecting a lot lately on the past decade of my life. I have come a very long way and I am proud of the things I have accomplished. I am proud also in the fact that I have decided to make this relationship the not "maybe" relationship. Or the "almost" relationship. Me and tiff, well it was always almost or maybe. We almost had kids together. We almost bought a house together. We almost did things, we might have done more had we actually wanted that with one another. I know that this is what I want with Ammie. I do not want to maybe marry her, I want to. I will do this. I know that I want to have kids with her and start a family together. I don't want to just talk about it, it is something that I want to accomplish, sooner than later.
The last couple of times we have made love my whole sense of self gets completely overwhelmed. I am unsure what is happening there and will be analyzing it figure out what is happening with that one. I haven't quite put my finger on what is happening. I mean it is all good, it is wonderfully amazing. I just cannot figure out why I get so emotionally overwhelmed. Like what the hell is that. I keep learning new things about her. What works what doesn't. How much this how much that. I am loving the learning process. I am loving the wonders of her body and her skin. I am blessed with such a beautiful woman. I am truly blessed at this point in my life with so much.
The medication is working wonderfully. I am doing so much better on it and so happy to be successful with everything right now. I am very pleased with how things are working. I couldn't be happier with my medication actually working and helping me become successful in my regular life. That is a very big happy occasion right there.
So I am pretty stoked. I am taking Ammie to my home in the spring next year. I have priced everything. I am so happy to have an actual vacation with the woman I love.
I had this thought the other day. Lately Michigan keeps popping out at me. It is rather strange. I am not sure why. But I wonder what is in Michigan that keeps standing out to me. Am I supposed to find home there? Is there someone important in my future there? Or is it just making me notice Ammie more since she is from there? I am unsure. Another point to ponder while deep in my dreams.
My dreams have also taken off without me it seems. Oh the happiness it finds itself having. How wonderful...
I am beyond words happy right now. I am on a cloud I never knew existed. She is constantly worried about how much I do for her. She isn't used to someone like me who does things without conditions. She is not prepared for something like that I think. Yet here I am, her little Plutonian. All original Megan. I know it can be strange and it isn't helping it is driving her nuts because she cannot do the same things right now. But I understand it ya know. I get it. It isn't that big of a deal at all. She will adjust soon enough.
Ah love. I hope this feeling never fades. I cannot imagine my life without it in it.
Her dog loves me. It is so friggin cute.
Class starts in mere days. Here goes the next six years of my life. What the hell am I gonna do? Am I gonna hit the ground running or run scared with my tail between my legs?
Here goes nothing...
You know the other day she was talking to her dog and asked him playfully if he missed us. For some reason that made me grin like an idiot. I don't know why that was so thrilling. I sort of do, but am not clear right now...
Anyways, time for my nightly key room naps. I am pretty beat from the last few days, next couple won't be so easy either. But I will succeed and get everything done before class starts Monday. Here goes nothing!
Wed, Aug. 15th, 2012, 06:22 pm
Okay, so I have been slightly avoiding in my blogs what is in my heart and really deep in the recesses of my brain. I get so nervous that just typing it out scares the shit out of me cause I know she now keeps an eye on this. Yes, I can make it private but still, I want her to see my inner thinking, it clues in a lot of who I am with myself alone. I guess it seems like a weird concept. I just need to get this out of my head before it implodes upon itself.
Okay, so as silly as it sounds I seriously want to climb a rocky hill and scream from the tops of my lungs that she loves me. She is finally at the point that I am at and that has me more excited than words exist for. I cannot believe that a craigslist person could turn into this amazing love story that has only just begun to be written. Who knew, craigslist of all fucking places on the internet. I feel so lucky to have such a beautiful and amazing woman on my arm, and one I will proudly show off to the world as my partner. What amazes me the most is what this was supposed to be. Just two people finding a friendship with each other. When we went to poetry night together, that was when I really realized I was falling hard for her. We were sitting in the car on the drive up just chatting away and it was so free and easy going. I was not nervous, I was relaxed and felt at such ease with her. Then when we were sitting at the table I moved in such a way she was so close to me I could feel the heat off of her skin, but then we would move away from one another. When we were on the way home the conversation was so much fun. We just acted like old friends. Then we went for a drive and talked in my parking lot til three in the morning. It was the most amazing night that I had had in so long. I knew I was truly in trouble. I stepped up to the plate though with my heart on my sleeve hoping I wasn't setting myself up for disaster.
As time has gone on, I look back to the many nights we have had together. How many dawns have I greeted now? How many moments has she calmed the storm of my mind. How many hours have I spent on the phone with her. It has led up to this moment, this conclusion. I am absolutely, without a doubt in my mind, soul, or heart, head over heels in love with this woman. A depth I have never before experienced. I know I have come close to this before in the past, but this, this has a power and a depth I have never before known. I do not understand the power and implications sometimes. But I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. Not now, not ever.
This morning she came over to fill out some job things. She got some stuff done which made me happy then we cuddled and talked and flirted some more. I love that she flirts back with me! I can have my partner the object of my lustful desires and my hearts desires and she fucking gets it! She plays back with me. Oh how hot this morning was, even without sex. Oh boy am I in trouble at this point. That woman is gonna be the sweet blissful death of me. And how that excites me to a core I never knew existed. And she amazes me behind closed doors. She gets me to new extremes and back again that I never thought was possible. If I had the guts to tell her that I am the type that gets off once and passes out, and she has shown me the beauty of being a multi, I so would explain it to her. But somehow the words catch in my throat and I cannot allow them to escape for some reason. I get so nervous with her sometimes.
I think the cause is for once I am actually scared to lose someone. I never understood the meaning of that. I was always so cocky, so confidant that no matter what happened they would never leave. With her, I want to take my time, do this right, and never run even so much as a risk of losing her. I never got that till now. I never knew what that meant till someone meant so much to me.
I am not surprised by how happy she makes me, I am more caught off by it, I have never had someone compliment me so well that they completed me. I have not understood certain things. But what I am going through and my knowledge of twin flames and soul mates, I think I found my flame. I think this is what it is supposed to look like, feel like. Sure seems to be this way. I never thought this was possible for me in this lifetime. I never thought it was possible to meet my other half...
I am falling in love deeper still and lord knows every day I discover how deep love can go. I never thought it could reach these levels. I never knew these levels existed. Yet, here I am. I am in love with a woman I was supposed to just be friends with. What the hell lol. How does this happen? I only sought her out because she seemed perfect for me. Who knew how perfect she would turn out to be. So many times I go and reread over old text messages and absorb further and deeper into my mind what she was telling me at the time.
She is learning to read me so well. She is really putting it out there to do so. It is amazing to me how willing she is. Even more amazing is how excited she is to learn me more and more. I have never had such a willing participant. I haven't had a lot of things I didn't realize I needed so badly.
Omg! And she loves to kiss me, loves to cuddle with me, run her fingers through my hair, just all these little things that I love so much and no matter how much I do it with her it seems as if I never quite get sick of it. Now this is strange as I am a creature who likes their space a bit too much at times. Yet with her space and time do not exist. Time seems to melt away when we are together. I do not know how it happens but the conversation will be flowing, laughs will be shared, I will get called a little shit, then suddenly it is two in the morning. Time just flows so smoothly past us that it is slightly shocking really. I do not know where time goes, a warp of some sort maybe? It is rather strange. I could analyze it all night and never come up with a conclusion. I am content with that at this point.
Okay, time for me to find some other things to occupy my time. It seems to be creeping by tonight. Definite nap time in keys tonight. I hate slow nights, but it is a part of the job unfortunately. Can't wait till school starts and I have something to occupy myself again in the evening hours.